Shauna Moerke is…

Inspired by recent events (if you follow my twitter feed you know today has been all kinds of crazy) I would like to offer a case study of what not to do when you are juggling job offers.

1. Do not submit your two weeks notice before you learn the details of the job offer. I call and leave the candidate a message saying I have good news. He calls me back saying he submitted his two weeks notice right before he called me back. What? Already? I haven’t said anything yet. I could be telling him I saved a lot of money on my car insurance for all he knows.

2. Do not accept a job offer without confirming your starting salary. The cart goes behind the horse, behind the horse. This is especially important to remember when you decide that you would like to ask for more than what we are offering. This coupled with number 1 makes your position in the negotiation a little shaky.

3. Do not then take the job offer to your current employer, bargain for more money, and then take their counter offer back to me to also ask for more money. Wow, way to break the trust we have been building right from the start. I’m supposed to want to give you more money, why? What if they counter offer again? When does this stop? What happened to all the reasons you were looking for a new job that had nothing to do with money?

4. When we don’t re-negotiate and you decline our offer, do not expect to still be on good terms with me. I’m sorry, but I hold grudges. I know you need to do what’s best for yourself, but don’t expect me to consider you a good future candidate if your judgment has been this questionable so far. The bridge is burning as we speak.

5. Do not call me a few days later asking if the position is still available because your current employer changed their mind and decided to accept your resignation. All I have to say is dude, that really sucks. That’s a horrible situation to be in. I completely feel for you. But are we willing to reconsider you now, after all this? No, we’re not.

6. Do not keep calling me back out of desperation, even after you get a no. No means No. I really do feel for you, but the decision has been made and, unlike you, we stick to it. Saying that you are desperate for a job, any job, is not making me want to change my mind.

This is a perfect example of how working in HR can really suck sometimes. Nothing about this process went well and nothing good came out of it. I’m going to need some chocolate and a nap now.